***I have a lot of catching up to do, but kinda like my laundry, I can never quite get to the bottom, so I am going to jump back in and then add back dated posts as often as I can until I am caught up!!**
You’re not forgotten, I know some day’s it may seem like that, some day’s I am so wrapped up in everyday life, doing laundry, cleaning house, helping navigate home work, breaking up fights, cooking dinner, working, juggling ballet, soccer and girl scouts, having play dates. Some day’s it may seem like our lives’ moved on and we never stop and reflect on what they would be like if things had been different. But I have never forgotten, and some day’s I look at your sisters and I wonder where you would have fit in, what would you have looked like, how would you have acted, would you have had curly blonde hair or stick straight, because I know hands down, it would have been blonde, would you love to read or play dolls or would you be more of a rough and tumble, in the dirt kinda girl, because we know you were a little girl. What would your favorite color be and would you love to snuggle. Losing you before we ever got to know you, and hold you and see you, it is so easy for you to get lost in the everyday, and although people all around me may have forgotten, I won’t, I never have. Just the other day I read my journal entries where we found out about you, I was so excited, it was my best birthday present ever! And I was so confident that everything was going to be just fine because my HCG level’s were threw the roof, “DeAnna were sure it is at least twins, be prepared for your next sonogram”, I remember looking at your dad and giving him the thumbs up sign and picking up Carleigh and swinging her around, We were outside in the front yard of our little house. It was a picture perfect moment, we laughed and cried and then we ran inside to put Carleigh in her “Big Sister” shirt so that we could send out a text message hinting of our good news. That is where I like to stop remembering….. Because that portrays a happy ending, but our story goes on and you were taken from us to soon, and then just when we could breathe again after losing you in November, we suffered another loss in April, a boy or a girl we are unsure but still we were devastated and defeated, we hung our heads and cried and Instead of bringing home babies, we brought home little tiny gold rings that sit in a memory box in the top of my closet. Today the world celebrates mom’s who have lost their babies without ever getting to see or hear them take their first breaths, tonight at 7 p.m. I will join the world in lighting a candle to remember you, my sweet babies who went home before we could hear you or see you, I will light a candle for all the mom’s who carried their babies full term only to have to say good bye, or the mom’s whose babies came a week or two too soon, and their hearts are filled with the “if only’s”. Tonight I will light a candle and I will remember that SOME DAY all of those mama’s will get to love and hold and rock their babies again, and I will smile because what a sweet day in Heaven those reunions will be. Won’t you please join me tonight by lighting a candle to remember all of those who have experienced the heartbreak of miscarriage, still birth and infant loss?
